New Life Perspective

Today marks the 3 year anniversary since I heard the words, "you have rheumatoid arthritis." Let me tell you, my life has changed...dramatically. I went from working about 30 hours a week as a barista and as a full time youth pastor's wife in 2011 to working a full time desk job and a wife of a "Culligan Man." Don't get me wrong, working a desk job and being the wife of a Culligan Man are wonderful things. I just never pictured myself as working a desk job. My life was everything that I wanted it to be. My dream was to be a full time youth pastor's wife and to work in a coffee shop. All was well. But, then, I guess things needed to be shaken up a bit.

I won't go into too many details about how I walked through these past three years of dealing with all of the struggles that come with an autoimmune disease: the pain, emotional highs and lows, fatigue, stress, evaporating friendships, etc. I want this post to focus on what I have learned from having a disease that has no cure.

I have learned that people will amaze you. The thing that I have remembered the most from these past 3+ years of struggle is the people that stuck with me through the thick and thin. Especially my husband!! He has been my number one helper and has given selflessly to help me on my good days and on my bad days without any complaint. I love him so much for that. He does so much for me and loves me unconditionally. I don't express that enough! God gave me the best gift when he gave me Brock Kennedy!

I remember you as well, my amazing friends. The countless times that you would offer to drive me somewhere when I was "out of spoons for the day" so that I could hang out and have community even though I felt (and still feel sometimes) that this disease has separated me from the "normal" world. I remember each time that you have prayed for me. God has used you in so many ways to encourage me and show me that this is not the end of the world! Rheumatoid Disease will not defeat me! You have shown me that my God is bigger than that!

Folks, the struggle is real. I try not to complain, but sometimes it just comes out. I ask for grace when this happens. Life is hard. As I type this, I'm struggling with a flare in my thumb and a ridiculous headache from my meds! That is no reason for me to stop living my life.

Anyway, this post definitely is not everything that I have to say, but I'm in a hurry to meet a couple of those amazing friends that have been there for me for some coffee. :) Consider this a thank you to those that have walked this new journey with me. Thank you for helping me to see this challenge from a different perspective. I love you all and appreciate you so very much!

Elaina

P.S. Please forgive any grammar/spelling errors. I'm not proofreading before I post. *woops*

Worth So Much More

I have just recently started listening to this song by Mercy Me called Beautiful. I heard it for the first time at a youth conference I went to recently with a few of the girls from our youth group. I'm not usually one for Mercy Me; no reason, they're just not really the style I enjoy listening to. This song is different, though. The words pierce directly through my heart. God knew this is what I've been needing to hear lately. Even though I already know how much He loves me, treasures me, is enthralled by me, I am always needing a reminder in one way or another. This is my most recent reminder of His thoughts towards me. I really can't stop listening to this song. I just hope this will be a reminder for all of you girls (and guys) out there that may be struggling with self-worth. "You were meant for so much more than this...you are more than what is hurting you tonight."

The King is enthralled by your beauty. Honor Him, for He is your Lord.
~Psalm 45:11

I'm Home

This song never gets old for me. Knowing that I always have a place I can go to be loved no matter what I've done or said is such an escape and relief. "I'm home." I dwell in Your love, my Beloved.

Is this the whole picture?

Or is it just the start?

Is this the way You love me?

You're capturing my heart.

I used to try and walk alone,

But I've begun to grow.

And when You tell me just to rest,

I'm finally letting go.

I let go.

And I'm here to stay

Nothing can separate us.

And I know I'm OK.

You cradle me gently.

Wrapped in Your arms,

I'm home.

I'm seeing so much clearer

Looking through Your eyes.

I could never find a safer place

Even if I tried.

All the times I've needed You

You've never left my side.

I'm clinging to Your every word.

Don't ever let me go.

Don't let go.

And I'm here to stay.

Nothing can separate us.

And I know I'm OK.

You cradle me gently.

Wrapped in Your arms.

I'm home.

I'm wrapped in Your arms.

Be Still

I want to be still.

I want to be like Mary at Martha's house and rest at the feet of Jesus.

I want to sit and gaze into His eyes. 

Those eyes, filled with

Compassion

Love

Greatness.

I want to get lost in His presence. 

 Jesus...

Jesus...

My King,

My Beloved.

Purpose

This is a picture of the tattoo I would very much enjoy. I was told that I should blog about why I want a tattoo instead of actually getting one. So here we go:

I have multiple reasons why I want this particular tattoo.

First
Luke 12:6-7 says: "Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." This, to me, is a sign of worth and beauty. My whole life I have struggled with this concept because of different influences that I just can't get away from in today's society. I'm constantly told by commercials, billboards, peers, and other unreliable resources how to dress, wear makeup, wear my hair, what looks good, and what doesn't. I do feel like I've been taken away from that mode of thinking more now that God has me serving teenage students. He uses me to tell them of how much they are worth and, in turn, He reminds me how precious I am as well. So that's the first meaning to me: Worth and beauty.

Second
The picture of this bird reminds me of a liberating freedom because of the grace and fluency of the drawing. My freedom is found when I belong to Jesus. When I depend on Him with my heart, mind, body, and soul, I am free. Yet again, this brings me back to my first point: I don't have to worry about anything when I fall deep into His loving grasp. He has a tight hold on me and will not let me fall. I want to be free to fly in His arms.

Third
I had a miscarriage four years ago at the end of September. We didn't know if it was a boy or girl yet, but if it was going to be a girl, I wanted to name her Ellyana Grace and we would call her Elly for short. I don't talk about this much because it seemed like it was just a freak accident. But now that I know what the problem is (after four years), it seems easier to talk about. I have debated getting the tattoo on my shoulder and having the nose point slightly upward to represent her flying towards the sky. I know that God has the child I lost safe with Him and I look forward to meeting him/her someday.

Well, there it is. I've written out my thoughts on the reasoning behind it. Really, it's for me more than anything. Let me know what you think.

Elaina

And here it is! :)

Love and Liars

Constant reminders of how to love people have been echoing throughout my life the past couple of weeks.
Here is something I came across today:

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails. What a man desires is unfailing love; better to be poor than a liar." ~Proverbs 19:21-22

In other words, even though we may think we have life all planned out, God is still in control and may ask us to drop everything on the itinerary and become homeless, adoptive parents, or something else we weren't quite expecting. We, as human beings, are created to love and  to be loved. ("The greatest thing is just to love and be loved in return!!!" ~Moulin Rouge, gotta love it ;) and it's so true.) This is why, after many broken relationships, the human race still longs for more. We desire a love that is unconditional and that will stick around forever.

Then I came to the part of Proverbs 19:22 that says, "better to be poor than a liar." My thoughts wandered to the following:

"If anyone says, "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. And He has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother." 1 John 4:20-21

This is what that means to me: It is better to give up everything you have for the love of your brother (or sister) than to "be a liar" and just walk on past those in need. Those that are in need of not just material possessions, but of love. Also, brother/sister does not just refer to our blood relation, but to the human race. We must learn to treat everyone as if they were our family. We are all God's creation and His creation is beautiful. We are all beautiful and desire a deep love that no else can give us. God is the only one up for that job.

Just a short thought I had for the day :) Love God, love people. Pretty simple, right?

Elaina

Radical

I've started reading David Platt's book, Radical: Taking Back Your Faith From the American Dream. The information and ideas that he has incorporated in this book are blowing my socks off. Most of them are pretty obvious (well, they should be, anyway) and biblical, but it's nice to be reminded every now and again. Especially since I live in a country that revolves its success rate on how much money you have and, in church, how many children and nice clothes you have. I've been reading just a chapter a day because I want to fully understand what he is saying. Today, I read chapter 4: The Great Why of God: God's Global Purpose From the Beginning to Today and I won't be able to sleep until I've written out my thoughts on this.

The whole point of the chapter is to help us realize that our lives are meant to reflect the glory of God to other people, to ALL people. God gives His grace to us only so He can be glorified. Platt starts off this chapter with a story of him and his wife being invited to preach at a church about their inner-city ministry in New Orleans. Then he proceeds to tell them about other opportunities. Here is an excerpt:

"Then I told them about ministry opportunities God had recently given me around the world. I told them about people's receptivity to the gospel in places that are traditionally hostile to Christianity. I told them that, whether in the inner city or over-seas, God was drawing people to himself in some of the toughest areas of the world.

Expecting them to share in my excitement, I paused to listen for their response. After an awkward silence, one of the deacons leaned forward in his chair, looked at me, and said, 'David, I think it's great you are going to those places. But if you ask me, I would just as soon God annihilate all those people and send them to hell.'

That's exactly what he said. I was shocked and speechless. I had no idea what to say in response. I wish I had said something, but I'm still not sure what I would have said. Annihilate them? Send them to hell?

After a moment of silence, the rest of the room resumed conversation as if nothing out of the ordinary had just happened."

What? This breaks my heart, and yet, is so true. I have, unfortunately, experienced this kind of attitude in a church body. Nothing tears me down more physically and emotionally than this kind of hatred towards mankind. We were created to be images of God. All of us. Yes, we are all sinners, but we also have a choice to receive grace so we can glorify this great God. We have no right to take that opportunity away from anyone.

The next part of this chapter that really struck me is these next couple of paragraphs. I was reading it this morning at The Coffee Ethic and wished I had someone to talk to about it to calm me down from the excitement of reading these words. It was so hard for me to just sit there in my chair peacefully without drawing attention to myself. Then again, maybe that was God's goal and I missed it? Anyway, Platt goes on to talk about being called into missions. He says that we are all commanded, not called to go and tell people about Jesus. (Now, there are deeper callings that are specific to each individual, but I'm talking about just having a willing heart to drop everything in this American life and go wherever God tells you to go whether it be Russia or Des Moines, Iowa.) Here is the next excerpt:

"In all this missions talk, you may begin to think, 'Well, surely you're not suggesting that we're all supposed to move overseas.' That is certainly not what I'm suggesting (thought I'm not completely ruling it out!). But this is precisely the problem. We have created the idea that if you have a heart for the world and you are passionate about global missions, then you move overseas. But if you have a heart for the United States and you are not passionate about global mission, then you stay here and support those who go. Meanwhile, flying right in the face of this idea is Scripture's claim that regardless of where we live - here or overseas - our hearts should be consumed with making the glory of God known in all nations.

I know there are probably some folks in the church I pastor who wouldn't mind if I left and lived in another nation. I say this kiddingly (I hope!), but, after all, isn't that where people who are passionate about the world go? But this is exactly why the church I pastor is stuck with me (as long as they'll have me). Because from cover to cover the Bible teaches that all the church - not just select individuals, but all the church - is created to reflect all the glory of God to all the world. Because every single man, woman, and child in the church I pastor is intended to impact nations for the glory of Christ, and there is a God-designed way for us to live our lives here, and do church here, for the sake of people around the world, who don't know Christ."

 Um, wow. Yes, church, we need to have a passion for ALL of the world. Not just our own country or city, but all of the nations. I rejoice because God has filled my heart with compassion for all people that I only wish I could do more. I do mess up and wish people weren't ever around me because we just do and say foolish things, but ultimately, I love God's creation. He is brilliant and we could never duplicate what He has designed.

To end this, I hope whoever reads this will just think twice before talking bad about the man/woman in Wal-mart that doesn't have the right kind of clothes on or the homeless man/woman that smells funny. God wants you to love them and show them His grace so that He. Will. Be. Glorified.

Elaina <><

Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into His likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.
~2 Corinthians 3:17-18